Ranting is Their Expertise

Did it ever happen to you that you have wanted to cut your ties with your siblings? I have thought this scenario not just once but for billion times. If only I can, of course, I know I can, I just don’t let the anger handle the situation. Because if I did, I know until my last breath I can manage not to rekindle with them.

All they could do is rant at everything. I even wonder if, once in their respective life they let pass a single day without any negative comments. Judging and finding one’s persons fault is what they’re very good at, and I ain’t exempted. I am there number one subject, apple of their eyes. How about their own undesirable attitudes? Are they aware or ready to hear it? I bet yah not, because they feel they are close to perfection.

THEY always claim:

1. I’m a keen observer, Don’t teach me.
2. I’m right, you are wrong.
3. I have brilliant mind, you aren’t.
4. I can do it, I don’t need your help.

Well, the moment they throw all those arrogant claims I recorded it to my memory bank whilst saying is that so?! So be it! I respect to their claims, for if I won’t, I’ll be belittled infinitely.

I never give my hand unless I’m being ask. I never complain as long as I can handle things on my own. I never seek for their help not until I run out with options. With all honesty, I wouldn’t like to quest for their hand even if I needed it so direly. Proven and tested, I could count on them at all times but, the reciprocation is unequal.

With them, you can’t be who you are nor enjoy the moments. Loosing thyself awaits an earful pessimism.

Still I’m grateful to have them as part of my life though they are my calvaries. If I will be given another life, with no second thoughts I don’t want them to be called my sisters.

Imperfect

We are bound to commit mistakes and sins in this enticing world.
Hence, my mom nor I, or maybe you aren’t spared of imperfection.

I was four when my parents called it quits, for what reasons I barely know up this moment. Everything is vague to us or maybe just to me. All I know that dad had a mistress that’s why mom decided to set him free. Yet couple of years ago, for the first time I heard mom sharing her marriage life to our neighbor as she was trying to save our family friend’s marriage vow. Mamang said, he didn’t want to leave us but I pushed him away to the extent of sending his belongings to his office. With that, he accepted the bitter truth. We didn’t have a good closure and parted ways having unfinished business, mom uttered.

Mom worked her fingers to the bone to make ends meet. She put nutritious food on our table 3 times a day, sent us to prime private catholic school in our city, dressed us with branded clothes once in awhile. Luxury was not included in the priority lists. Everything was prioritized. The top 1 on list was education. Mom said that’s the best and only thing she could give us, of course aside from unconditional love and care, for she doesn’t possess any wealth for us to inherit.

My siblings might agree, I reckon mom is meticulous, strict and nagger at all times. Oftentimes erratic and have a heart of stone especially if she’s pretty mad. On a the other side, she’s friendly, fearful, hard worker, and have a big heart beneath the strong personality. The unfathomable personality of mom imply fright to others, even to our immediate family and distant relatives. My great grandma in my father’s side labelled mom as “the lion” in which most people would accord.

Mom is mom. Mom is our preacher, admirer, giver, counselor, inspirer, breather, number one and loyal fan, first teacher, shock absorber, believer, protector, and could surrender her life for the love to her family.

I love you mom. And thank you very much.

UNGRANTED REQUEST

It prickles my aorta when a requester accused me of not just wanting to give my hand, it is totally absurd. And that is my emotion as of the time being~HURTING. I didn’t justify myself further, and let her think whatever she has in mind to control the damage. Vindication is tough to attain especially if you’re dealing with a narrow minded person (not at all times though).

Failure to grant one’s request due to an acceptable reasons connotes anger and hatred to the requester. Why can’t just human being whole heartedly accept that there are times we can’t grant their plea rather than jumping into wrong conclusions.  I won’t deny I was one, but life has changed. Could be part of maturity, and applying what I’ve learnt from the wisdom of God. Lately I have a mantra, IN SILENCE THERE IS PEACE, and it never fails me.

Dogeza Bow

Dogeza is the polite way of bowing in Japan. It is performed when a person asks for deep apology, express desire for a favor, evince overwhelming gratitude, and to show deference to highly revered elite people. Thus this type of bowing rarely happens, only on special situations or occasions.

In Japan, Special Needs children having different needs or attention or treatment are gathered in one room. Varying from agoraphobia, anger disorder, autism, ADHD, slow learner, speaking and listening problem, and etc. Name any child disorders and it falls to 4kumi or 5kumi as they categorized it at school. Don’t you think it’s crazy? How can the Japanese teachers accommodate the needs of the children with different disabilities ranging from physical, emotional, and psychological? As far as I know they’re not psychologist nor a graduate in medical field. The kind of education system really puzzled me.

Four days ago I had a class with my Special Needs children in one of my schools. Among my three schools this school has a quite number of special needs children. As always we ended our lesson with high spirits. With so much energy, overflowing laughters, fun, and happiness. But when the home room teacher announced that it was our last lesson of the school year the kids happy faces turned sour and sad. Different reactions flooded for they want to learn more. “Motto yarittai”, they’ve uttered.

Yume chan was asked by the HRT to lead the class to give the final words. To my surprised Yume chan performed the Dogeza bow while saying thank you for teaching us for two great years. And the rest of the children followed her gesture. It wasn’t just I who was shocked but also the HRTs. I couldn’t contain my mixed emotions of happiness and sadness. In my subconscious I asked, am I worthy enough for their bow? I was teary eyed. I really wanted to give them my Bear Hug to let them know that their simple act meant to me and greatly appreciated but I just couldn’t for I am prohibited to do so.

I will miss them for sure.

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Unforgotten past

I grow up with a broken family. I couldn’t exactly remember my age when my parents decided to separate. I’m trying to recollect all my memories about my childhood, yet I only can reminisce the happy times with my childhood friends. Aside from it, all are heartbreaking stories and happenings with my family especially with my mom. I neglected and buried those unwanted burdens as I was growing up. Needless did I know that it is buried in my heart and its haunting me up to the moment. Might be some people are calling it trauma, yes or not, I don’t want to accept nor would like to realize that i was traumatized. But on the other hand, I’m careful and always scared when I figured out that these scenarios are familiar to me. As the saying said, history repeats itself. But I don’t want to happen it again and again.